I feel conditioned

Have you ever wondered why you are who you are? Why you have the certain style you do, why you wear your hair in a certain way, why you think the way you think?

I cannot escape the feeling that it is all part of our programming. We are all programmed by society, education, the government and so many things around us daily. We are conditioned to our core, and if anyone says otherwise we fight back viciously believing that they want to take away our individuality.

When you are conditioned for a certain part of your life it is impossibly hard to change. And while you think your thoughts are your own, maybe not even that is left up to you anymore. Looking at yourself in the mirror you might not like the way you look, you might think you are too fat, thin, short, ugly, and so on, but that opinion may not belong to you. I am not saying that you should eat anything you want for example, without caring, because this will have consequences on your health and not only on your physical appearance. But throwing up after each meal, starving yourself to death, or spending countless of hours in a gym trying to improve your physical appearance, all this just to look like the models of an Italian runway, the actors of a Hollywood movie, or having the style of a rock band singer is absurd.

One must come to a very striking realization to see at least some of the things which are happening around us, and how controlled one truly is, and how much he wants to be and allows to be conditioned.

We go to school to learn to think a certain way instead of simply to learn to think. The school hours are also conditioning, breeding generations of workers and slaves to the social and economical systems. We go through life believing in these systems, not knowing what else could exist in its place, not trying to find other ways on how to be, this is how programmed to the core we are. Ultimately all systems have flaws, because every system will be just that, a system, which cannot deal with every possibility, and which will most likely have close minded rules, and no room for exceptions.

We are programmed from our birth on how to eat, how to sit, even how to talk, or this is good, this is bad, this is right, this is wrong, this is beautiful, this is ugly. When we are older we hear this voice in our heads, telling us how to think and feel. We believe this voice to be ours and trust it, love it and understand it, when all it is, is other peoples wants, powerful people, who rule us without us realizing it.

When we are born we are truly unconditioned. If an infant had understanding and the power to make clearer choices it wouldn’t choose to wear any particular designer clothes, walk around with 3,000 Euro bags, or drive the new BMW. The needs and wants to do these things will come after careful and deliberate planning from the world around it. From being pure and having simple wants and needs we grow up to consume, destroy, and want things which are utterly useless.

My mother is about 60 years old. Her hair is white but she dyes it black. When I tried to explain to her that she didn’t have to color it, that it’s normal, and she would be beautiful even if she let it grow white, she couldn’t realize what I meant. She said that she didn’t like it being white, it made her look ugly. What I was telling her was so different than what she grew to know, conditioned to know, that she could not accept it. I felt very sorry that I couldn’t explain it so that she could realize that beauty has nothing to do with hair or makeup or clothes. She heard a voice telling her “you look ugly with white hair, it’s disgusting, you have to color it!”

The voice of programming is much deeper than we realize, or even want to realize. Have you ever wondered why you are who you are?
                                   

I feel a lack of faith.

I was born a human being, but I was baptized a Christian. After some years I grew tired of wanting to believe something which was forced upon me, and forced upon me from when I was an infant, from when I was too young to understand anything that was happening around me, let alone grasp the meaning of religion and the depth of faith.

When all I wanted was my mothers bosom and someone to care for me I was given an all seeing all loving father of humanity, a father which I was told from then that I would never grow to understand, that is a “being” so different than what my brain and animalistic features could ever ultimately perceive, that I had to blindly follow, believe and love him, no matter what.

 I believe any conversation on God leads to nothing and is fruitless. If we are children of god, and not of science, we could never understand the Supreme Being. Our minds are not made to understand such a reality as God, only if the concept of the soul exists, and we learn to live with it, could we ever perceive a fraction of what God is, and I repeat, if God exists at all.

 In my opinion all religions are mistaken, because I believe that if we really found the truth on these subjects, it would be impossible to ignore it. It would be so striking that it would automatically be perceived as the truth worldwide and universal. We are far from it, and even if we are close, we are certainly not there yet. Keep in mind that I always speak in my opinion; you don’t have to agree or disagree with me, but please try to understand why these certain opinions have been shaped.

My lack of faith is born from the actions of a politically and economically immoral institution, what we call the church. Since I was born in a Christian society I will mostly write what my problems are here. What automatically comes to mind is this: while poverty is destroying people’s lives, starvation killing them, lack of satisfaction in physical, social and security needs is degrading people and letting them be treated like animals and worse, a priest ordered a microphone with which he would be conducting his daily service. This was a special microphone, gold plated, and its cost was about 30,000 Euros. I keep wondering why this is possible, but unfortunately I do not understand it. I want to delete this from my memory; I do not want to consider it as a possibility. I want to forget all the grand temples I have seen in my life, all the gold, rubies, emeralds nailed on the walls and hanging from the ceilings of churches, which are considered to be spiritual places. I cannot help to think of the countless people in many countries which would benefit from the money spent on things like these, all the lives that could be saved, all the shelters that could be built and people who could be fed. Also, after some thought, something else comes to mind. All this gold and precious stones, where did they come from? How many people were killed digging night and day restlessly in mud, tortured and taken advantage of, people who were made slaves for the gratification of a few. So in reality, when one realizes this, it is easy to see that hanging in churches are corpses and skeletons of the past, and starving children and freezing homeless people of the future.

And this is only considering the decoration of a church and without going in depth to see the corruption and “brainwashing” of entire nations. Christians are either top, or close to the top of the list of groups which have killed the most people in history.

I feel sad.

I am an English Cypriot, I am male, I am tall, and I am from a certain city, a certain street, a certain house, a certain family. I am so many things that you are not, and I feel very sad because of this. I know you might not like me for the things I am, you might even hate me, without even knowing me, and I might hate you back. I know that it would not be easy for you to like me if I was from Germany and you were Jewish, if I was Jewish and you were Palestinian, if I was Turkish and you were Greek or Cypriot. Even if I am with one sports team and you are with another, it would be very easy for you to throw rocks at me, stab me or hurt me in any way you can, and be happy and cheerful in doing so.

We divide ourselves in so many ways, maybe in every conceivable way we can, within society, culture, religion, ethnicity, sports, color and so on. Do we really consider ourselves so different from each other? Do we have to hate each other to survive? Is this where civilization leads to or is it something that goes even further back?

We have our sights set on goals, and we step on each other, kick, punch, scream, and kill each other to reach those goals. The consequences are merely collateral damage, no matter who we disembowel on our road to glory. This is truly one of life’s most frustrating subjects, to those who realize what is happening. Peace, love and understanding sound so alien to ones ear. These are words only hippies use and uneducated pot heads, or at least this is what is believed by the masses. These values are nowhere to be seen or heard of today. How beautiful it would be if each of us treated other people in general as a loving brother and sister. But instead we are led to believe that life is tough and you should be tough in return to survive and get what you want, you should fight for your country and your flag, which is merely land and fabric, you should defend your honor pride and beliefs from the enemy, the enemy which is everyone but you and the people like you, you should turn others into your followers, make them obey, and if they do not, simply kill, kill, kill.

We draw borders outside our houses, where our cities are, where our countries end. We also draw borders which include our religions, our beliefs, our certain social status and economic status. Do we not realize that the real borders are drawn in our minds and hearts? From the moment there is a border mankind is limited, and from the moment we are limited we cannot reach our full potential. Who is to blame for all this? I believe each and every one of us. There is no peace if there is no world peace, there is no love if you do not love everyone, and there is no happiness if people are dying of hunger, diseases, and constant fighting. I know that death and diseases are part of nature and the circle of life, I am not ignorant, but I do believe that sorrow can be lessened, and we can even bring an end to it, if we set aside what we consider our differences, and try to work together as the mankind we truly are.

We are one.

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I feel empty.

There is a void in me which I am trying to fill. Up to now I have come to understand that it is a spiritual void, an emptiness that cannot be filled by anyone or anything. I believe that it can only end with a deeper understanding of everything, a spiritual awakening (if there is such a thing), or a perception of things which I still lack. I have my doubts that any of these things exist, and I hope the human void (because I believe all people have this void but not many choose to accept it) cannot be filled simply with superficial and materialistic existence. If it is so, all philosophers, spiritual and religious people, hermits and intellectuals are living a wasted life , and the people in Hollywood, the glamour seekers, the supermodels, fashion designers, corrupt politicians, company owners, gold diggers, rich people and  many more are doing things “right”.

But if the latter is untrue, why is it so widely accepted? Why is it that people reach a point where they believe in nothing but money and power? Why can’t personal fulfillment be reached without a pocket full of cash? When did we lose our sights on things that are important, only to zoom in on things which have really nothing to do with happiness? Have we really become so blind, or are we just now able to see? Mankind does not seek the answers it used to, it has given up its fight, its freedom, and it is not willing to sacrifice anything for things it used to sacrifice everything for.

I do not understand all this and I am afraid I never will.